Taking Up Space, Owning Our Bodies

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. – Marianne Williamson

I’ll never forget the day I first saw and really recognized a woman who owned their size.

From childhood I was taught to apologize for my fatness, to see my size as a grievous shortcoming that the whole world could see.  Every effort was made to be acceptable, from diet pills to disordered eating.

I tried the cabbage soup diet, I attended weight watchers meetings, I would do an hour of aerobics daily using a Jane Fonda workout video that we borrowed from the library – and all of this was before I turned 16.

Despite my best efforts, my body stubbornly seemed to always return to a place of amplitude.

Big, bold, rippling curves and sturdy hips.

I was heartbroken.  Why couldn’t I ever get this right?

on vacation in Mexico with my sister circa about 2005. Note the pashmina cleverly draped to hide my bulk, so as not to offend anyone with my size.

I lived my life in a constant state of shame and unspoken apology for the mass I commanded.

Then one day, I saw her.

I don’t know her name or anything about her, but I’ll remember her for the rest of my life.

We were at a bar one night, and I must have been in my late teens, early twenties.

My friends and I were out for a few beers and some dancing at this new club that had opened up and were enjoying the feeling of spaciousness that you can sometimes get in a bar that hasn’t really caught on yet, before the crowds come and the place is packed every night from then on.

Now, I love dancing, and I have since I was a teenager, but I wasn’t dancing that night.

My big, fat body was holding me back.  How could I move and flow and be free, how could I allow myself to command attention and be seen when I felt like such a disgrace?

I sat at the tiny table in the uncomfortably high chair and sipped my vodka-cran, enviously watching the beautiful people enjoying themselves on the dance floor and wishing I was smaller.

I saw the girls undulating on the speakers, showing off and having fun, and I sat in a puddle of jealousy on the sidelines.

Then, a small miracle happened.

The cluster of bodies on the dance floor shifted and I saw her for the first time in all her glowing glory.

She was commanding attention all right, and she seemed perfectly comfortable with it.

She was a radiant, pink cheeked goddess on that dance floor.

She moved.

She danced.

She closed her eyes and let her body ripple with the music.

She threw back her head and laughed.

And.

She was fat.

Sometimes we need to see someone do something before we even register that it could be possible.

In that slightly hazy, otherwise completely ordinary moment, I realized that it was possible to be fat and love yourself.

I saw a living, breathing person who looked like me, and she was magnificent.

People were looking, but not with pity or judgment or disgust in their gaze, but with admiration and appreciation of her free spirit and light!

She took up space, and she was unapologetic.  She owned her size without shame.

She was a revelation.

Sometimes when I remember this moment, I smile quietly to myself because there’s no way that she could have known that by simply being there that night she would change someone’s life for the better.

We never do know just who is watching, and what they are absorbing from our presence.

A decision to wear the beautiful sundress, to dance at the party, to swim in the pool or to eat the dessert *unapologetically*  could have massive ripple effects for the people around us who might be quietly watching.

 

A moment of freedom captured forever - frolicking on a trampoline after a gig with my friend Nikola.
A moment of freedom captured forever – frolicking on a trampoline after a gig with my friend Nikola circa 2012-ish

Body positivity is not an overnight thing, I feel.

To this day, I struggle sometimes with feeling too big, too fat, too much.

In a world that has conditioned us to believe that a slender body is the pinnacle of feminine achievement, it is an act of rebellion to wake up and decide that you love yourself exactly the way you are.

It flies in the face of our conditioning to be content with who and what we are.

Recently someone asked me if I was from New Zealand, as my face and figure reminded them of the big, beautiful Maori women that live there.

I am not from New Zealand, or Maori, but come from East Indian and French parents.  My features are distinctive and I was curious to see what the Maori women looked like.

Wild, powerful, free. unapologetic. “Pare Watene” by Gottfried Lindauer

Later that night I looked up some images on Google and tears came to my eyes because reflected in the faces of those beautiful Maori women I saw *her* essence – wild, powerful, free.  Unapologetic.

I thought about how much energy had been wasted over the years living in shame about my body.

Then I imagined how it would feel to let that go, and to allow myself to be truly comfortable in my skin.

I remembered her, the dancing goddess in all her luscious, radiant glory.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t hurt myself like that anymore.

No more apologizing, no more shame, and certainly no more sitting in a puddle of quiet jealousy on the sidelines while my life passed me by.

It sunk in – enjoying life is not a privilege reserved for the thin.

In the moments that I forget this truth, I am learning to take a deep breath, and call back my power.

I visualize all my energy being called back to my being, and feel my aura swell and glow with my power, my birthright, my radiance.

I say to myself,

“I am a big, beautiful being.  It is safe for me to take up space in the world.”

And then, I shine.

Maybe in those moments there is someone quietly watching who is discovering that they could shine, too.

 

A precious moment at the lake with my niece, Silvia – shining our light.

 

 

 

With a group of wonderful friends after the 2017 Goddesses United retreat. I am standing second from the left in all my big, beautiful, wild-mountain glory. To my left is the wonderful man who said I reminded him of the Maori women. Wild, powerful, free, unapologetic. I am that, I AM. 

 

From the heart,

Krystle

 

P.S.  I’m going to be sharing more from the heart like this on my blog, and I hope that you will enjoy reading these posts as much as I have enjoyed putting them out into the world.

Did this resonate with you?  Do you remember the first time you saw a woman who was unapologetic about their size?  I would love to hear from you in the comments.

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2 thoughts on “Taking Up Space, Owning Our Bodies

  1. Tina says:

    I was lucky enough to share a house with another wild woman. We would be the first up to dance, long before anyone else got up, and we’d not stop till the very last song ended. when I looked at her, I saw nothing but power and beauty, and it helped me to see beauty in myself too. I can’t say I have always felt ok about being fat, but I’ve been slim at times too and actually that feels weird to me, like being too small and vulnerable. There is much to like about being solid and wide and scrumptious, and about being able to walk the earth like you own it, as I once heard myself described. Than you for your post, and I LOVE the trampoline pic!

    • Krystle Ash says:

      ooooh I love these words so much,

      “There is much to like about being solid and wide and scrumptious, and about being able to walk the earth like you own it.”

      You’re absolutely right, there are some really beautiful things that come from being in a larger body as well, and we need to honor those things and show ourselves respect and appreciation at every size, instead of just shaming ourselves and feeling bad that we are not smaller.

      I can completely relate with feeling vulnerable when I am smaller as well. Ultimately I would love to be healthier and feel more mobile and fit, but I feel like at this point I need to really sit with the part of myself that is not comfortable being smaller, hear her story and hold space for her truth.

      It is a very different way of thinking and feeling about myself, my size and my vulnerability. Thank you for reading and commenting, Tina!

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